Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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