You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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