someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
