we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
birth control should be required to get into college
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
