My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Actions speak louder than pants.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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