so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
