I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
