I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
