I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
