so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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