i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
