can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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