he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
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I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
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I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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