Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
areolas are like halos for boobs.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
