Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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