im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
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We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
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I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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