If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
