I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
