You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
