i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
