I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
