i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i was born a porn star she said
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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