I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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