If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
