I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The air was thick with penises
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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