when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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