the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
