This is not my ceiling
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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