your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
