in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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