i think i have two assholes
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
