I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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