So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
