I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
