I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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