also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
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