Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
