Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
