a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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