Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Operation Purity has been aborted
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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