At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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