She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
