Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
