i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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