a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We had sex on a dog bed..
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I love you. Go after that dick
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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