I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
