It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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