I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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