I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
