Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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