the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
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I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
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Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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