i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
