People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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