He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
